What’s Going On?
Ok, something’s up. There’s a big change brewing, and I’m not sure I approve.
No, not Baby Sister. I know about her, they’ve been on about her for months. To be honest, call me a conspiracy nut but I’m starting to doubt she’s really coming. Oh yes, they’ve moved my old cot back into my room, but that’s just for storing things in. No, I mean a real change. I’m very suspicious.
They’ve started talking about wees and potties and toilets. Mummy was going on yesterday about where wee wee and poo come from, it was quite disturbing actually. She seems to have a bit of a fixation at the minute, she’s always at the toilet herself. That’s another thing Baby Sister gets the blame for (can you blame me for thinking she’s a bit of a convenient smokescreen?).
Now, I do admit that lately it’s been a bit, well, uncomfortable down below. I never used to notice a soggy nappy before but it is starting to bug me a bit. And I really can’t be bothered with getting my nappy changed, it would be so much easier if there was a way of me just doing it myself without the whole palaver. But I’m not sure I’m keen on this toilet thing. Seems a step too far for me.
Can’t I just run around with a bare bottom? No, wait, hear me out. I know it might get a bit nippy when we go out, and I might let them put a nappy on then. But it would be so much better for Mummy and Daddy. Here’s why:
- they moan about the cost of nappies. Simple, don’t buy any. Spend the money on sweeties for me instead.
- it’ll give Mummy something to do. She needs to be up and about, and if she’s cleaning up wee wee and poo it’ll give her a bit of exercise too – you know, gentle stretching, bending, that sort of thing. People pay good money to get fitness programmes like that.
- They won’t have to chase me to get my nappy done. It’s fun, watching them run around and try different tactics to get me to lie down for a nappy change, but maybe more so for me than for them.
- It’ll save a fortune on magic bottom cream. All that lovely air getting to my skin, just what the doctor ordered.
- I have a very cute little bum. They can watch me run around starkers and go “Aw, bless him, he’s so cute.”
So really, I’d be doing them a favour. We don’t need nappies, we don’t need potties or toilets. Just let me do my own thing.
*Update from Mummy: Daniel, you are going to learn to use the potty, and that’s final.
*Update from Daniel: I will fight this every step of the way. I will keep regular logs on my progress, and we’ll see who wins this. Over and out.